Caltrop has been talking about doing a road trip for about a year now, and what a better road trip than too the biggest game in the land, D-Day in Oklahoma. However, it always seems that someone on the team has some issue preventing them from going. Most of the times, that “issue” is the cover name of a person….say maybe the fiercest predator of paintball bliss, the Wife. Yes, that that thing that gave you the Ring of Power and turned you invisible to all other women around you and drives a broom to work is back again; same old hag, same old MO, sucking the paintball out of you potentially happy life.
“Wow! Married life sounds depressing,” quoted my teammate T.
You have now idea son…you have no idea. But fear not men, for I am here today to help you gag the hag. Today, wear going on a trip to the world of Creative Thought and Wording. While on today’s field trip, you will learn on how to use creative wording and situations to your advantage in meeting your potential road trip goals. Notice I didn’t say anything about lying. Lying to your hag will get more than those commemorative Disneyland Christmas balls hung on the tree this year, so don’t do it!
(Disclaimer: “Breck” is not responsible for any gashes, cuts, scrapes, dings, dents, bruises, contusions, broken bones, rectal trauma caused by feet or frying pans, divorce, or sailors filling your empty spot in your bed. Oh, and road rash sustained on your hind side, from being thrown out of the house at lightening speed.)
The first thing that we need to learn about hags is their spot in history. The study of linguistics will tell us that the word “bride” evolved from “bribe.” Case in point the word, “Dowry.” Yah, back in the day, we used to actually pay for them, who said that things haven’t gotten better. Well, we still do “pay for them” but at least they dropped the sticker price. Now it’s just one big wonderful surprise! OK, so it still bites.
Marriage is just a careful balancing act of giving and taking. Normally it is best to sit on an idea for a bit and figure out the best time to brake the news and let's not forget having purchased gifts and any other bribe you can think of at the time. Hmm, gifts an timing, sounds complicated. Have no fear, this article is for dudes, by a dude. And like all of you, I know that cackling is for the hens and logical to the point directions are what it’s all about.
Example: Joanne went to NJ at the last minute, comes home (to a spotless house and flowers ), and then departs for Vegas just a few days later. At this point, she feels guilty about taking all this time off of work. Guilt is a powerful tool to have on your side, but don’t over exploit it because we all know she has dirt on you too, so work with it. At the same time as Joanne’s trips, a Class Action Law Suit against her old employer was won and we received a very nice check from the settlement (totally unexpected, too.) Now she feels guilty, she has nothing to do before her trip to Vegas besides relax because the house is clean, flowers will get her emotional, and we had just come into some unexpected money...JACK POT!!!! This is a perfect example of a good time to discuss something like going out of state for a paintball game.
Timing is 90% of marriage.
Other ways to get to D-Day
What if, timing really isn’t the right option for you? Don’t worry; I have plenty of other options for you. So what do your job, philosophy, James Bond, your teammates, a family vacation, and a Russian Submarine all have in common? Sorry, not a kinky birthday party, darn. No, they are all here to help you get to D-Day! Hey, when you’re battling a witch, you need to think outside of the box.
1. Back up plan: One of the other big things in surviving marriage is always have a back up plan. My Dad lives in Southern, MO not too far from the OK boarder...yup, gotta plan my yearly trip for the June time frame next year. Take a look at a map, maybe you have that family member you forgot about or one that you’ve never met before that you’re finally dieing to meet.
2. Krazy Ivan: Now you can bring all the fun of Hunt for Red October right into your very own home! All you have to do is come up with another idea that is crazier than the D-Day one. After dodging frying pans and hiding from that lovely woman you married, offer a compromise, D-Day. Now hopefully, your original idea was sooo off the wall that D-Day sounds reasonable.
The Job Market
Sometimes, your job will lend a helping hand to your cause. I don’t have the time to cover every job in the world but here are a couple examples pulled from my teammates’ jobs.
1. Po-Po (ie:Cops): Tell wife that you read about a "Training event" in OK that will train you for small unit operations. This may help you in a dangerous situation or in advancement (your choice). Explain to here that the station won't pay for this one but you really want to go. As long as you work with a small group or even attend the Sniper "Training" or Ranger "Training" you weren't lying.
2. Docs: Mass casualty management and trauma training. Requirements: Play the Medic role
3. Computer Geeks: Field test of servers providing information for satellites communications in remote environments or some other "Geek Language". Requirement: test out your internet hookup on you cell phone out on the field.
4. Trucker: Pit Stop or dropping off a load. Requirement: I give you one of my hoppers or markers to drop off to me on your way across the US.
6. D/A Counselor: Field study on the geography of the Meth capital of the US and possible military tactics used in the war on drugs. Requirement: show up.
It’s all about the family
"What about a trip to Disney World, family!?!?!?!?" (Cheers!!!) "Hey baby, I already scheduled the tickets. Where flying from San Diego, CA to Joplin, MO and then to Florida." Wife: "Wow, thank you for taking care of all this!"
Arrive in Joplin: Hit the bathroom, yell for your kid, and tell him to tell Mom you’re sick. Remember, you’re in dire pain. You have to stay behind in a hotel but your family should not sacrifice their fun for you. (Don't feel guilty, your "training!" Yes, "training." You working on your acting skills...all good role players need to do that.
Arrive at you hotel: OMG!!!! It was just gas!!! Call Breck who just happens to have your gear from the last game....he was even nice enough to bring it with him to D-Day... (I take watching people's stuff very seriously.) Now go hit the field. Keep your cell phone with you to answer an "Are you OK" call once in a while...remember you were sleeping through the rest of them.
Teammates don’t let teammates drive drunk
Pull cash from the secret paintball fund, send to Breck. On you Birthday receive a full registration and plane ticket to D-Day!!!! Oh yah, who loves you baby!!! Wow, what a great group of guys we have on the team!!! Now you have to go, to refuse a gift like this would be horrible!!!
See, the possibilities are endless!!!!
Last ditch efforts
Alright, so your teammates hate you, you have a lame job, your family doesn’t like traveling with you, you have no out of state friends, you don’t speak Russian and you’re a lazy insensitive sloth who doesn’t clean floors or buy flowers. Believe it or not, there is still hope. But it’s dangerous and if your not at least smarter then your enemy just give up and go play walk-on. (Military types: this is a IV-D on the ORM chart.) The following two ideas would work best if combined but
“Never fight on dead ground.” The Art of War
Plato: Now you don’t have to be a college grad to enjoy a little philosophy in your life. Alright, first look at the game name and location...D-Day Oklahoma (OK). Now say it to yourself like this, "D-Day OK." Alright! It must be "OK" to go! So, just go...don't ask...don't tell....just show up covered in paint and welts a few days later. (Make sure you do state "Paintball" or your wife may think you were at a rave.) Keep in mind that the fall out from this idea may be bad. The hope here is, that see is soooo glad to see that you’re OK that she doesn't care where you've been. WARNING: Remember the frying pan from earlier? I hope you do, because it maybe causing you to walk funny after pulling this one! Remember guys, we're just little old po-dunk SoCal scenario players in our "Infancy Stages" out here. Obviously these big time producers do much more than we're used to. There is NO WAY that they would produce a game where the name could be warped like this one. So it must have been done for a reason. These "Big Timers" are good! They must have somehow contacted players’ wives everywhere and made sure it was OK for them to go or they would have NEVER picked Oklahoma, and given the possibility to something like "D-Day OK". Trust them...after all we're Newbs at this and they're the Big Dogs. (There is nothing wrong with pleading ignorance at your wife's feet.)
Secret Agent Man: Get a tape recorder; hide it in the living room. Write "D-Day OK" on some paper and set it on the coffee table. Now just sit back and relax. More than likely, your wife will pick up the paper because, heaven forbid that you have something not properly organized in a labeled folder somewhere. She'll look at it and say, "D-Day OK"....DON’T SAY ANYTHING IF SEE LOOKS AT YOU....just shrug and shake your head likes it's nothing and your being a slob again. Hopefully she'll go and throw it away...stop recording and verify that "D-Day OK" was recorded. Now use this in conjunction with the above Plato idea. Only use this as part of your greeting at the door along with, "Hey, you said it was OK!" It may not save you from your wife but with the right lawyer, you may just get to keep you paintball gear and a pair of shoes.
Well guys there you have it, Breck’s guide on how to get to D-Day. The above examples, if not a guaranteed solution to your unique situation should be able to stimulate some type of plan. Before implementing any plan, you should really sit down with your friends and role play them out. The hags talk to each other about controlling our habits, it’s time to turn the tables on them and start working together. Take care and good luck, I’m off to awake Medusa so she can get to work.